It felt weird. Why weird? My brother Arno was 23 when he passed away in a fatal accident in Australia. And I was 18, and ever since then I dreaded turning 23. You see, I grew up in a family where everyone was older than me. Arno was my older brother, and in a strange sort of way - that maybe only people who know grief this way understand - I didn't like the thought of turning older than my brother. I still don't. I guess it means another moment that shows life is moving on. Which for people dealing with loss, is a hard one to swallow. It was one of those milestones, like that first dreaded christmas after and his first birthday, and my wedding day, and every year when that day comes around of when we first heard the news. I'd like to think I've healed well from it, but pain never goes away. And these moments are moments where the pain floods over my heart again.
Recently, I read a blogpost of something that opened my eyes for the second time around. Have you ever heard of the saying "God will never give you more than you can handle". Well I have believed this for a long time, and then a while back, I heard somewhere that it wasn't true and then I forgot about that piece of truth and tortured myself with that quote again, and then when I read the blogpost again, I remembered. And in a sad sort of way, life made a lot more sense again. Because, God has definitely given me MORE than I can handle in a number of ways in the past couple years. (and I'm sure many other people too). But when I kept telling myself that "He won't give me more than I can handle" It made me resent God more for not keeping to his word. And so in a weird sort of way - I felt like I could release God from his "promise" that wasn't actually his.
Here is the verse where I assume this christian jargon stems from:
1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.”
This verse only talks about temptation. Nothing else.
And further more, there are plenty of verses in the bible that say there will be lots of suffering, and even verses where Paul himself expresses how burdened he feels. I'm no biblical scholar or pastor, and the last thing I want to portray is anything of the sort, but I told you I'd be truthful and vulnerable on my blog. So here's one of those guys.
It helps me to ask God instead - God you KNOW this is too much for me, give me strength to endure it, or a way out. And often if I am that broken, I don't say much else.
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| Arno in Australia @ 23 |
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| Couple weeks before I turned 23 |
